"Hello, My name is Carolyn..."

I was flipping through our school's handbook and came across the Drug & Substance Abuse Policy. It listed some tendencies that could be indicators of said drug/substance abuse. One of those lists caught my eye...the Social Impairment list. Once I read it, I knew I was in trouble. I almost created my own personal intervention because I was convinced I had a drug or substance abuse problem solely based off this list. 

"Carolyn, I know you smelt the fruit-scented Crayola markers daily while attending Kindergarten class. I love you, but this is what I will not do for you 23 years ago if you don't stop smelling those markers. I will not allow you to watch Mary Poppins and pretend to be dancing with penguins. I will not let you go in the side yard to eat the weird orange-like fruit off that tree with your grade school friends..the fruit whose skin is sweet & edible and pulp is sour. Lastly, I will not allow you to sleep with your favorite teddy bear to whom you whispered nightly that if a robber came in, you would sacrifice yourself before him. Now, will you climb into that time-travel machine and get the treatment you need?"

From the blog posts alone, I can diagnose myself as being socially impaired. And off we go:

• Inappropriate verbal remarks (subjects/words/expletives)-- my social impairment crosses cultures.
• Angry outbursts/unrestrained agitation -- yelling in a enclosed stairwell at Six Flags.
• Crying that cannot be explained -- I tried putting it into words, but don't know if I conveyed the depth of it.
• Euphoria -- Can you beat antiques, nature, and beach cruisers with a little wine tasting sprinkled throughout?
• Paranoia -- accusing wild spiders of a failed assassination attempt.
• Hallucinations -- thinking a hat was my adopted child.

Behaviors that are markedly changed for that individual such as:

• Introversion -- at least for the first part.
• Extroversion -- visiting friends.
• Sullen -- reality is always devastating.
• Giddy -- chocolate and stories.
• Irritable -- that window guy was a jerk.
• Defensiveness -- it didn't have to throw it in my face like that, though.

There you have it. Take me or leave me. But, I've got to run. Gotta throw out all my fruit-scented markers so I can let my 5-yr old self watch Mary Poppins again.